A Year and an Ocean

i'm trying too hard to forget to just be me.
forgetting to forget the imagined audience.
who i wish would understand me,
yet never know me.
because i can't bear to show what i don't know.
this is why i discuss trivialities.
this is why i seem so strong.
because my shell won't be cracked if i make sure you never find out how to.
yet i want to open up.
i want to see who i am.
i want to see.
but it terrifies me to think that maybe you love me for what i say and not who i am.
My politics just aren't me;
just another wall between you and i.The select few who've seen through the facade,
i pushed away in horror.
afraid of what they knew.
i withheld so much about myself to keep a fucked-up advantage
and now i see i never had anything to gain.
so now there's no more trying to "Just be me".
no more hiding behind a language. just expose myself for what i've been;
a fraud,
cashing in on rhetoric
that i learned to abuse,
what i used to push you away.
that i used to win even though.. every single time i lost.
every single time.