Slap and Tickle

(Difford/Tilbrook) 
 
She was frigid like a Bible 
When she met her boyfriend Michael 
He took her in his Zephyr 
They sat like salt and pepper 
Looking out across the city 
From Lover's Leap is pretty 
The lights they flick and flutter 
He told her how he loved her 
Next night he called for her 
But Dad protected daughter 
And told him she was poorly 
A lie was told there surely 
So Michael felt rejected 
This wasn't quite expected 
He drove off to his local 
Where he felt anti-social 
 
She cried all night at missing 
The boy she could be kissing 
While he was falling over 
He drunk himself back sober 
And went home in a taxi 
And crashed out in the back seat 
He slept just like a baby 
Which he hadn't done just lately 
He saw her in the morning 
Out with his sister Pauline 
She felt all shy and soppy 
He acted cool and cocky 
He said tonight at Charlie's 
There's going to be a party 
I'll meet you at half seven 
She visualised the heaven 
 
If you ever change your mind 
Which you do from time to time 
Never chew a pickle 
With a little slap and tickle 
You have to throw the stone 
To get the pool to ripple 
 
That night they danced together 
It looked like love forever 
He put his hand on her leg 
You should have heard what she said 
He tried again much later 
It seemed to aggravate her 
He drove home in silence 
Avoiding all violence 
She said let's watch the city 
From Lover's Leap is pretty 
I think I need the fresh air 
She put a comb through her hair 
Then while she turned to kiss him 
And very nearly missed him 
She put her hand on his leg 
He felt her tongue in his head 
 
If you ever change your mind 
Which you do from time to time 
Never chew a pickle 
With a little slap and tickle 
You have to throw the stone 
To get the pool to ripple