Black Winter Day

Yeah, most of my adult life I've been torn into two
If you love me then I love you and this song is for you
It's tight hard when you know when you sick
And your shorty seein' you is an emotional wreckThe closer I get, it's like the farther I feel
And my heart has turned into this heavy armor and steel
It's hard to be real, hard to listen to the dumb shit
And I take a lot of pills 'cause it numbs shitI wish I had another path to follow
Wish that I could be a man and learn to pass the bottle
A graphic novel, my future a box or an urn
Havin' dreams about death but I'm not that concernedAnd I'm diseased through the seasons they turn
Watchin' leaves from the trees turn disease and they burn
I'm eager to learn but I'm holdin' my breath
And everyday alive is just another closer to deathYeah, I've been alive longer then I expected to be
And took care of everything that's expected of me
Took care of my girl and my mother
I told her that I'm always here and I love herI handle shit differently 'cause I'm grown now
And the truth is that I'd rather be alone now
I'd rather not have to deal with the day
And I hate when people ask me how I'm feelin' todayMy brother Rasul, we had a beef and grudge
But we grew up together, cousin, so it's peace and love
I wish all the best, I wish all the shine
I wish I didn't wanna offer my thoughts with a nineI'm thoughtful and kind but I'm evil alas
But everything I love has turned to a tedious task
I feel that life a waiting game for people to pass
But nobody ever want you to see through the maskYeah, I don't wanna be a burden to y'all
I just wanna know exactly what my purpose is for
I feel like nothin' I do is ever right
And that I'm actin' a fool another nightAnd I admit, I don't take care of myself
So I do a lot of thinkin' and preparing myself
'Cause the fact is my father died young and I might too
And it ain't any way to tell what I might doI don't wanna leave my mother behind
I don't want for her to cry because the struggle is mine
I don't want for her to grind no more
I don't want for her to work a 9 to 5 no moreI ain't have to work a fuckin' 9 to 5 before
So I'm tryin' to get this money to provide for y'all
And if the shit ain't work out and I'm suddenly gone
Just remember that the motherfuckin' love isn't gone
Pazman